I was reading through my last post from Sunday and was struck at how raw it was. I want to add some perspective to my thoughts from Sunday.
The easiest thing to do when you feel discouraged and even depressed is to allow yourself to be drawn in to the feelings of self-pity that are evoked in the midst of that pain. At times, the circumstances of life are harsh. Falling into the pit of depression steals your hope. It resonates with the earthly, clingy, flesh that defines so much of our human existence.
To rise above the fresh open wound of a discouraged heart, I have had to continually return to the one thing that has held me here. God.
Jesus is here in Houston with me. He is changing my heart, molding my character, speaking clearly to me now. He is helping me to realize that all the time I thought that He was being silent, He was shouting into my spirit. But my stubborn flesh desires, no…it thrives on pulling away from Him and going my own way. My thoughts are often distracted and my vision begins to fade in the cloud of emotion…but I must move forward with all my effort and fight off the fear of uncertainty, risk, and failure.
“Patience” is the word God is speaking to me now. He is teaching me once again to wait on His timing, His leading, and His truth. And I find myself struggling against these things, wanting desperately to wander upon greener pastures, more peaceful seas, and much smoother terrain than what I am now.
this is as real as it gets. this is raw.
aside: since I last wrote on Sunday…my weblog hit its highest number of readers. Several of you, family and friends have written me words of encouragement and have prodded me to keep moving in spite of the feelings here. For your words and your spirits, my words cannot express the encouragement I have felt through what each of you have said. Thank you for following along with me on this journey. I pray God will return to you the same encouragement and comfort with which you have each comforted me. In the grand story of His bigger glorious Kingdom, our little stories fade into Him and I am glad to be a part of each of your stories in some way. I hope these words and this journey my family and I are on does something to inspire and prod you each to live a life of reckless unbalanced faith! There truly is no other way to live.
