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I haven’t written on this blog for a couple of weeks, but I needed to take a moment and finalize this chapter in our journey.  Houston is officially over.  I am now back in Tennessee working for a new roofing and restoration company.  Having much success in obtaining permission from homeowners to pursue claims with their insurance companies regarding their roofs and homes damaged by this years severe thunderstorms and hailstorms.

I am back home with my beautiful wife and three wonderful kids.  Glad to be here helping them grow and spending time with them.  Blessed to be able to now work here in the Middle Tennessee area in a business that will provide a significant income for us.  Blessed to be able to take Caleb to school in the mornings, play with Ella at the breakfast table, and enjoy playing games and spending time with Cole.  Blessed to have face to face conversations with my wife.  Blessed to be able to see friends and spend time with them now.  

Working, resting, relating, communicating, relaxing, playing, laughing, smiling, enjoying this life with my family.  There is nothing more important to me in this world than them.  

 

Glad to be home.

the birds of the air

i looked at the birds of the air yesterday and you know what i noticed?  They don’t worry about anything!  They fly around…catch the wind..pick up sticks…find food pretty much effortlessly…birds have a lot of faith!  

Another thought crossed my mind about that too.  

God loves me more than the birds.  

In fact…He not only loves me more…He’s proved it.  

You see…the Bible doesn’t say…”God demonstrated His love to us, by sending His great heavenly Bird into the world to save sinners”.   He didn’t send a bird, a rhino, a dog, a flea, or even a tiger to save sinners.  He sent His Son.  A human being.  Flesh and blood and mind and spirit and soul and will.  He sent Jesus.  Not a bird.  And I’m supposed to remember that if God sent His only Son to come and rescue me from my sin and my self…that I don’t need to worry about one thing being provided for me or my family in my life.  One second wasted on worry is a spit in the face to the love God showed me on the cross.  

Do I think that God cares so little about my everyday life that he would only come to provide salvation for my eternal soul and not provision for today?  Is the God who has the ability to transform and redeem hearts not also the God who has the ability to take care of things for me when I show up and do my part?  Can I really trust God to supply all my needs according to the riches I have in Christ Jesus?  Does that include money in my bank account, food in my stomach, clothes for my kids, gas for my car, mortgage for my house, warmth in my home, or even tithe to my church?  

If God provides for the birds of the air and doesn’t provide for my needs, what kind of God is He?  If He takes care of the birds, and he loves me more than the birds, how much more will He take care of me and my family?  

The answer is exceedingly, abundantly more than all that we can ask or imagine.  

Just keep bird watching.

wait…

God is telling me to wait.  to have patience right now.  

 

so…

             i’m waiting

Plans May Change…the Vision never does

Yesterday I spent some time on the phone with a roofing contractor in Nashville.  It seems the hail and windstorms that have come through Middle Tennesse over the past couple of months have caused quite a bit of damage to roofs all over the area and the same kind of work I’m doing right here in Houston is being done also there in Tennessee.  

In the next couple of weeks, I’ll be going home to “test the waters” in the surrounding Nashville area to see if I can do this work there.  If so…there’s no question, I’ll be home by sometime in September.  If God leads, I would be able to work out of the house for all my paperwork, and drive all around Nashville looking for roofs and homeowners to help.  

The vision for ministry and paying off our debts is still out in front.  But the way in which all that happens has great potential to change in the upcoming weeks.  For that I am remaining optimistic and hopeful.  What a blessing it would be to be able to do what I am doing here, right in my own backyard!  We will be watchful and prayerful.  I need discernment, wisdom, and patience.  And I can’t relax from the work I’m doing here yet either. 

Plans may change..the vision never does.

raw

I was reading through my last post from Sunday and was struck at how raw it was.  I want to add some perspective to my thoughts from Sunday.  

The easiest thing to do when you feel discouraged and even depressed is to allow yourself to be drawn in to the feelings of self-pity that are evoked in the midst of that pain.  At times, the circumstances of life are harsh.  Falling into the pit of depression steals your hope.  It resonates with the earthly, clingy, flesh that defines so much of our human existence.  

To rise above the fresh open wound of a discouraged heart, I have had to continually return to the one thing that has held me here.  God.               

 

Jesus is here in Houston with me.  He is changing my heart, molding my character, speaking clearly to me now.   He is helping me to realize that all the time I thought that He was being silent, He was shouting into my spirit.  But my stubborn flesh desires, no…it thrives on pulling away from Him and going my own way.  My thoughts are often distracted and my vision begins to fade in the cloud of emotion…but I must move forward with all my effort and fight off the fear of uncertainty, risk, and failure.

“Patience” is the word God is speaking to me now.  He is teaching me once again to wait on His timing, His leading, and His truth.  And I find myself struggling against these things, wanting desperately to wander upon greener pastures, more peaceful seas, and much smoother terrain than what I am now.  

this is as real as it gets.  this is raw.

 

 

aside:  since I last wrote on Sunday…my weblog hit its highest number of readers.  Several of you, family and friends have written me words of encouragement and have prodded me to keep moving in spite of the feelings here.  For your words and your spirits, my words cannot express the encouragement I have felt through what each of you have said.  Thank you for following along with me on this journey.  I pray God will return to you the same encouragement and comfort with which you have each comforted me.  In the grand story of His bigger glorious Kingdom, our little stories fade into Him and I am glad to be a part of each of your stories in some way.  I hope these words and this journey my family and I are on does something to inspire and prod you each to live a life of reckless unbalanced faith!  There truly is no other way to live.

Something important to say…

I am sitting here in Panera Bread in Clear Lake, TX this Sunday afternoon, trying to figure out how to put into words what I am feeling and thinking right now.  In today’s post, I’m going to wear my heart on my sleeve for a few moments.  

I got off the phone with my family yesterday and just cried.  Here I am in Houston TX, and there they are in Murfreesboro, TN and I am at my weakest moment right now.  I miss the smell of my little girl’s skin, the glittering eyes of my oldest son, and the crooked smile of my four year old boy.  I long to be with my wife and share her conversation, a warm kiss, and a gentle touch.

I’ve been struggling to find peace in the midst of our journey here for the past week.  I haven’t been able to concentrate on my work, and for the most part it’s been because I miss my family so much.  My emotions have in many ways clouded my vision and reason for my being here.  My spirit aches to be close to those I love and far away from all this discomfort, uncertainty, and unfamiliarity.  

 

Ella got her head stuck in an alligators mouth last week.  That’s about how I feel. 

The first three months of this journey have been filled with success, failure, pain, depression, exhiliration, and death, among other things.  God has provided for our family financially during this time and He is still providing as my efforts here continue.  But this is not a sprint.  This journey is  a marathon.  And I am weary of moving forward.  I just want to quit.

This weekend I had to move from the home provided for me by the church that opened up its doors to me.  They sold the property I was living on and the house now belongs to a group of Buddhists who have come to Houston from New York and Wichita Falls.  I am living with a friend from the church here, but I don’t know how long that will last.  Perhaps a week or so. 

On top of the circumstances and emotional low, I am spiritually struggling.  It is interesting to me how significantly self-centered we all are.  How oblivious we are to the fact that the world does not revolve around each of us as individuals.  God is helping me to explore the very depths of what moves my soul and how I allow myself to be defined.  As I probe the cracks in my character, I do not like what I see.  

And this is what I see.

A grown man, afraid of the future.  A little child, afraid of the darkness.  A self-sufficient ego saturated man, afraid of letting go of control.   A sinful being, in need of being saved from my self every day…not just eternally.  

I cannot control my own destiny, no matter how much I feel that I am destined for something.  Excitement about who I am to become and where I am to go, cannot fill the need of my longing soul to find peace in the here and now.  There is no drug, no discipline, no religion, no entertainment that can drive me forward to this destiny that God is calling me into.  There is no way to run towards this goal without feeling the sensation of being winded.  And run I must, but I also must feel the pain of the journey.  

Embracing the pain instead of running away from it is critical as I move forward in this travel.  

I do not know when I am going to get to go home again.  I do not know when I will see my family again.  I want to get a job with a roofer in Middle Tn so I can do this at home.  But I cannot just leave the promises I have made to those I work for in the dust either.  I have no choice but to dig through the pain and plan ahead for the future and walk every day with faith, not in my ability to get me to the end of this road.  But faith in God who is the Guide for this journey.  

I cannot say anything important.  The message that I have to communicate today cannot be spoken or written.  It has to be evident in the life I am living right now.  My existence right now is the message.  At the end of this journey, whenever it is over, my life will have something important to say.

The Most Important Thing…

I’m back in Houston, once again…plodding away trying to make a go of it.  This morning is humid, cloudy, and overcast.  The most important thing is that I talk with Jesus this morning before I start my day.  The most important thing is that He is the first thing I seek when I wake, the pinnacle of my thoughts while I work, and the last person I talk to before I go to bed tonight.

 

The most important thing is Jesus.  If I can just get that truth to settle in my heart, and to practice it in my life, then my life will be less important and His life and desire for me will be the most important thing.